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  1. #521
    GdSveTheQueenTheFacistRgm barneys dad's Avatar
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    103 The Eye, radio presenter/DJ. Tuesdays 10am - 1pm. New music & classic tracks. Latest album chart. Gig Guide. Beat The DJ.
    103.0 FM. www.103theeye.co.uk online. UK's 1st Community Radio Station

  2. #522
    Wammer mikehit's Avatar
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    Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers and on a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
    He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?”
    The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.”.

    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
    From across the room a voice said, "He’s the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."!

  3. #523
    GdSveTheQueenTheFacistRgm barneys dad's Avatar
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    What would be your favourite button?
    Last edited by barneys dad; 30-05-2012 at 03:41 PM.
    103 The Eye, radio presenter/DJ. Tuesdays 10am - 1pm. New music & classic tracks. Latest album chart. Gig Guide. Beat The DJ.
    103.0 FM. www.103theeye.co.uk online. UK's 1st Community Radio Station

  4. #524
    Wammer mikehit's Avatar
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    If only it were that simple...

  5. #525
    Happy Wammer pgarrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mikehit View Post
    If only it were that simple...
    You're assuming the buttons match the labels.....

  6. #526
    ..-. ..-- -.-. -.- Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Two guys were discussing the popular trends on sex, love, marriage and family values.

    Bill says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. Did You ?"

    Larry replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name ?"

    Can't anybody read Morse ??

  7. #527
    ..-. ..-- -.-. -.- Ozexpat's Avatar
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    A little boy ran up to his father and asked, "where did I get my intelligence from ?"

    The father replied, "well son, you must have got it from your mother. I still have mine."

    Can't anybody read Morse ??

  8. #528
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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    Firemen had to demolish the house of a 63 stone teenager so they could take her to hospital.

    Apparently it's the first time she's ever had her doors smashed in.
    First pressings son !

  9. #529
    Wammer MrMister's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    I need more of these to get me through the weekend...

  10. #530
    Wammer MrMister's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    Jack was moderately successful in his career, but as he grew older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygeine started to suffer, he sought medical advice. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

    "The good news is that I can cure your headaches....."

    "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

    Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... Size 44 long."

    Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jack admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

    Jack thought for a minute and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 18 neck."

    Jack was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the shirt. It fit perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

    Jack was on a roll and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Jack's feet and said, " Let's see... size 12... wide."

    Jack was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jack walked around the store and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

    Jack thought for a second and said, "Sure."

    The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack's waist and said, "Let's see.... Size 36"

    Jack laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

  11. #531
    Wammer
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    A 36-year-old man from California has fathered 16 children through sperm donation, but is himself still a virgin.

    What a wanker.

  12. #532
    Super Wammer
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    What is quite big made of metal comes in a variety of colours has 4 wheels and can go fast............a car.

    __________________________________________________ ______

    Should add the london leg of my tour is sold out now.
    Still one ticket left for the Exeter phone box gig though.

  13. #533
    Wammer
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    My car broke down last night, I couldn't find out what was wrong, so I called the AA out.

    Their guy fixed it, so I asked what the problem was

    "Shit in the carburettor" he said

    "How often do I need to do that?"

  14. #534
    ..-. ..-- -.-. -.- Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    "How was he killed ?" asked the first detective.

    "I believe it's called a Golfgun" said the second.

    "What's a Golfgun ?" asked the first.

    The second replied, "I don't know, but it made a hole in Juan."

    Can't anybody read Morse ??

  15. #535
    ..-. ..-- -.-. -.- Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

    Joe: "Really ?"

    Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I never understood the concept of Hell !"

    Can't anybody read Morse ??

  16. #536
    ..-. ..-- -.-. -.- Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Two guys at the pub, ruminating over popular trends of sex, marriage and family values.

    Bill says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you ?"

    Larry replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name ?"

    Can't anybody read Morse ??

  17. #537
    Super Wammer Vinyl Art's Avatar
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    Five Germans arrive in an Audi Quattro at the Italian border.
    The customs guy stops them telling : "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"
    "Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
    "Quattro means four!" answers the custom agent.
    "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" yells the German driver...
    "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian dude.
    "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
    The German driver gets angry saying: "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
    "Sorry" answers the Italian, "He canta comea. He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."

  18. #538
    Super Dooper Wammer Nagraboy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BobC View Post
    Five Germans arrive in an Audi Quattro at the Italian border.
    The customs guy stops them telling : "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"
    "Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
    "Quattro means four!" answers the custom agent.
    "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" yells the German driver...
    "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian dude.
    "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
    The German driver gets angry saying: "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
    "Sorry" answers the Italian, "He canta comea. He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."
    What about a Fiat Multipla?

  19. #539
    Moderator gjm's Avatar
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    The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

    First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    "Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels two by two
    Destination - Timbuktu."

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

    The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    "Me and Tim a huntin' went,

    Met three whores in a pop up tent,
    They were three, and we was two
    So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

    The aboriginal won.
    The best hifi show in the UK today - http://www.thehifishow.com/

  20. #540
    ..-. ..-- -.-. -.- Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gjm View Post
    The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

    First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    "Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels two by two
    Destination - Timbuktu."

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

    The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    "Me and Tim a huntin' went,

    Met three whores in a pop up tent,
    They were three, and we was two
    So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

    The aboriginal won.
    That might be a bit lost on those who don't know how the indigenous Australians accent sounds

    Can't anybody read Morse ??

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