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  1. #501
    Happy Wammer pgarrish's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    Quote Originally Posted by mikehit View Post
    If only it were that simple...
    You're assuming the buttons match the labels.....

  2. #502
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Two guys were discussing the popular trends on sex, love, marriage and family values.

    Bill says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. Did You ?"

    Larry replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name ?"

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  3. #503
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    A little boy ran up to his father and asked, "where did I get my intelligence from ?"

    The father replied, "well son, you must have got it from your mother. I still have mine."

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  4. #504
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    Firemen had to demolish the house of a 63 stone teenager so they could take her to hospital.

    Apparently it's the first time she's ever had her doors smashed in.
    First pressings son !

  5. #505
    Wammer MrMister's Avatar
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    Location
     Cardiff
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     Jamie
    Turn Table
     Thorens TD160
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     TP16 & Nagaoka MP11
    SUT/Phono
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     Claymore & Sansui
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    I need more of these to get me through the weekend...

  6. #506
    Wammer MrMister's Avatar
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    Location
     Cardiff
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     Jamie
    Turn Table
     Thorens TD160
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     TP16 & Nagaoka MP11
    SUT/Phono
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    Integrated Amp
     Claymore & Sansui
    Speakers
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Jack was moderately successful in his career, but as he grew older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygeine started to suffer, he sought medical advice. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

    "The good news is that I can cure your headaches....."

    "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

    Jack was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... Size 44 long."

    Jack laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jack admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

    Jack thought for a minute and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and 18 neck."

    Jack was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the shirt. It fit perfectly. As Jack adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

    Jack was on a roll and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Jack's feet and said, " Let's see... size 12... wide."

    Jack was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Jack tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jack walked around the store and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

    Jack thought for a second and said, "Sure."

    The salesman stepped back, eyed Jack's waist and said, "Let's see.... Size 36"

    Jack laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

    The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

  7. #507
    Wammer
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    A 36-year-old man from California has fathered 16 children through sperm donation, but is himself still a virgin.

    What a wanker.

  8. #508
    Super Wammer
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    What is quite big made of metal comes in a variety of colours has 4 wheels and can go fast............a car.

    __________________________________________________ ______

    Should add the london leg of my tour is sold out now.
    Still one ticket left for the Exeter phone box gig though.

  9. #509
    Wammer
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    My car broke down last night, I couldn't find out what was wrong, so I called the AA out.

    Their guy fixed it, so I asked what the problem was

    "Shit in the carburettor" he said

    "How often do I need to do that?"

  10. #510
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

    "How was he killed ?" asked the first detective.

    "I believe it's called a Golfgun" said the second.

    "What's a Golfgun ?" asked the first.

    The second replied, "I don't know, but it made a hole in Juan."

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  11. #511
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

    Joe: "Really ?"

    Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I never understood the concept of Hell !"

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  12. #512
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Two guys at the pub, ruminating over popular trends of sex, marriage and family values.

    Bill says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you ?"

    Larry replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name ?"

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  13. #513
    Super Wammer
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    Five Germans arrive in an Audi Quattro at the Italian border.
    The customs guy stops them telling : "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"
    "Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
    "Quattro means four!" answers the custom agent.
    "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" yells the German driver...
    "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian dude.
    "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
    The German driver gets angry saying: "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
    "Sorry" answers the Italian, "He canta comea. He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."

  14. #514
    SWISS MADE Nagraboy's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    Quote Originally Posted by BobC View Post
    Five Germans arrive in an Audi Quattro at the Italian border.
    The customs guy stops them telling : "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"
    "Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
    "Quattro means four!" answers the custom agent.
    "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" yells the German driver...
    "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian dude.
    "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
    The German driver gets angry saying: "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
    "Sorry" answers the Italian, "He canta comea. He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."
    What about a Fiat Multipla?

  15. #515
    Moderator gjm's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

    First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    "Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels two by two
    Destination - Timbuktu."

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

    The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    "Me and Tim a huntin' went,

    Met three whores in a pop up tent,
    They were three, and we was two
    So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

    The aboriginal won.
    The best hifi show in the UK today - http://www.thehifishow.com/

  16. #516
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gjm View Post
    The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

    First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    "Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels two by two
    Destination - Timbuktu."

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

    The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    "Me and Tim a huntin' went,

    Met three whores in a pop up tent,
    They were three, and we was two
    So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

    The aboriginal won.
    That might be a bit lost on those who don't know how the indigenous Australians accent sounds

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  17. #517
    Deaf Wammer Tel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ozexpat View Post
    That might be a bit lost on those who don't know how the indigenous Australians accent sounds
    As in when Doug was spotted walking down the street with a sheep under each arm?

    He was asked, 'Are you going to shear them?'

    'No mate, I'm going to fuck them both myself'
    There must be more to living
    Than a mortgage and a lawn to mow - Joni

  18. #518
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Yeah, summat like that

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  19. #519
    Moderator gjm's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the village chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Sarah) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

    I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I couldn't hold on for long at all and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

    She then beat the shit out of me.




    Women have always been hard to figure out.
    The best hifi show in the UK today - http://www.thehifishow.com/

  20. #520
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    The past, present and future walk into a bar.

    It was tense.
    First pressings son !

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