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  1. #581
    Deaf Wammer Tel's Avatar
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    Location
     Hove Actually
    Real Name
     Kevin
    Turn Table
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     Stogi, AN Io
    SUT/Phono
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     NAS / SBT
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     LV OBX-R2
    Pre Amp
     Audio Note M3
    Power Amp
     CocoSan 300B PP Mono
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly,

    painfully, up onto a stool.


    After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

    The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

    "No," he replied, "arthritis."
    There must be more to living
    Than a mortgage and a lawn to mow - Joni

  2. #582
    Wammer
    Join Date
     Oct 2010
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    Location
     Northumberland
    Real Name
     Davey
    Turn Table
     LP12/Khan/Sole
    T/Arm & Cart
     Ekos/sKale/Lyra Delo
    SUT/Phono
     TE Microgroove +
    Digital Source 1
     Eikos CDP
    DAC
     Teddydac
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     Linn Isobariks
    Pre Amp
     Teddy Pardo PR1
    Power Amp
     Avondale M1 Monos
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
    Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

    The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
    There's no warning.

    'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

    'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

    'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

    'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'

    She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

    'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

    Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
    found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

    Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
    question.

    Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

    'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

    'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
    Pessimists are never disappointed.

  3. #583
    Panda Jezzer's Avatar
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     Jul 2005
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     9,091
    Location
     London Zoo
    Real Name
     Jezzer
    Digital Source 1
     SB Touch
    Digital Source 2
     Audiolab 8200CDQ
    Speakers
     Usher Be-718
    Power Amp
     Bel Canto eVo2 GenII
    Headphones
     Fiio E7 / IE8 / K702
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    My dad choked to death on a curry last night after mocking the animal killed to make it.



    Chicken Karma.
    Eats, shoots and leaves...

  4. #584
    Wammer
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     Gloucester
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    According to today's papers, John Terry is a hero. It won't be the first time he's crossed the line and got away with it.

  5. #585
    Wammer
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Breaking news from Euro 2012.... Wayne Rooney tests positive for a performance-enhancing rug

  6. #586
    Panda Jezzer's Avatar
    Join Date
     Jul 2005
    Posts
     9,091
    Location
     London Zoo
    Real Name
     Jezzer
    Digital Source 1
     SB Touch
    Digital Source 2
     Audiolab 8200CDQ
    Speakers
     Usher Be-718
    Power Amp
     Bel Canto eVo2 GenII
    Headphones
     Fiio E7 / IE8 / K702
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

    When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    At University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I'm much older and wiser now, and I'm looking for a girl with big tits.
    Eats, shoots and leaves...

  7. #587
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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     Feather
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     ModWright LS36.5
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     Plinius SA103
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     Senns 600 HD
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    A bloke goes to the doctor.

    " Doctor I suffer really badly from premature ejaculation these days"

    The Doctor replied " that must be very frustrating for your wife "

    " Frustrating . Well she used to take it on the chin but now it's getting on her tits "
    First pressings son !

  8. #588
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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     Feather
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    Power Amp
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     Senns 600 HD
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Friend of mine got food poisoning yesterday in a German restaurant . Doctors fear the wurst .
    First pressings son !

  9. #589
    Cthulhu fhtagn! Corruption's Avatar
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     Sony X3000ES
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     Totem Arro
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     Meridian 502
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     Perreaux SX25
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Irish police today arrested the violinist from Dublin who recently won "young classical musician of the year".

    Apparently they had a tip-off that he is a kiddy-fiddler.
    Sony X3000ES / Meridian 502 / Perreaux Silhouette SX-25 / Totem Arros

  10. #590
    Super Wammer
    Join Date
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     John
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     on board
    Digital Source 1
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     Pioneer BDP-51FD
    Integrated Amp
     Marantz Pm4
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     Impulse H6
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Just driving by Liverpool prison and saw a knotted sheet with a dwarf climbing out of one of the windows. My mate said " look at that midget". I said, "thats just a little con descending."


  11. #591
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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     Kharma Ce 2.3
    Pre Amp
     ModWright LS36.5
    Power Amp
     Plinius SA103
    Headphones
     Senns 600 HD
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Quote Originally Posted by johnniebaby View Post
    Just driving by Liverpool prison and saw a knotted sheet with a dwarf climbing out of one of the windows. My mate said " look at that midget". I said, "thats just a little con descending."


    no thats good
    First pressings son !

  12. #592
    The itch u can't scratch Gforce's Avatar
    Join Date
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     London
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     Gordon
    Turn Table
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     Ittok/ESCo Arkiv
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     Linn Linto 25th Anni
    Digital Source 1
     PC/SB X-Fi Platinum
    Digital Source 2
     Linn Karik II / NAS
    DAC
     in the CDP
    Integrated Amp
     I had one in 1986
    Speakers
     KEF Reference 105.3
    Pre Amp
     Townshend/Kube100
    Power Amp
     Linn LK280
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    A guy is driving around the back streets of Chippenham.
    He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: 'Talking Dog For Sale', so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out,
    and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
    I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
    at the airport to do some undercover security,
    wandering near suspicious characters and
    listening in. I uncovered some incredible
    dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
    'I got married, had a load of puppies, and
    now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks
    the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten quid,' the guy says.

    'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on
    earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of
    the garden.'

  13. #593
    Wammer
    Join Date
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Corruption View Post
    Irish police today arrested the violinist from Dublin who recently won "young classical musician of the year".

    Apparently they had a tip-off that he is a kiddy-fiddler.
    Reminds me of the chap I knew a few years ago who entered "The Young Musician Of The Year". The Young Musician Of The Year was furious.

  14. #594
    piss artist moggy58's Avatar
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    Turn Table
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     evolution/CadenzaBlk
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     Lehmann Silver Cube
    Digital Source 1
     Consonance ref2.2 II
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     Mike Wallis Horns
    Pre Amp
     J.Wood/J.Wood
    Power Amp
     J.Wood/J.Wood/J.Wood
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    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Nice one Gforce, Made I larf

  15. #595
    HiFi Dealer Wammer BD Audio's Avatar
    Join Date
     Jul 2007
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     14,145
    Location
     Malvern
    Real Name
     Jack
    Turn Table
     J.C.Verdier Platine
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     ANUK or VDH
    SUT/Phono
     Remton LCR or MWI
    Digital Source 1
     AudioGrail 301
    Digital Source 2
     AudioByte Hydra
    DAC
     Modwright Elyse
    Integrated Amp
     Audionote Oto SE
    Speakers
     Tune Audio Anima
    Pre Amp
     Modwright 36.5 'DM'
    Power Amp
     Modwright KWA-150SE
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     Yes
    Anal sex is a lot like my 1st car,
    I didn't want it but my Dad gave it me anyway.

  16. #596
    Happy Wammer pgarrish's Avatar
    Join Date
     Feb 2011
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    Location
     Preston, Lancashire,
    Real Name
     Paul
    Turn Table
     Planar 2
    T/Arm & Cart
     black one, Rega Bias
    SUT/Phono
     NAD PP1
    Digital Source 1
     SBT
    Digital Source 2
     Teac T1
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     Teac D1
    Speakers
     Tannoy Cheviots
    Pre Amp
     DIY Passive
    Power Amp
     5-20 Monos/HH S500D
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Quote Originally Posted by bigdur View Post
    Anal sex is a lot like my 1st car,
    I didn't want it but my Dad gave it me anyway.

  17. #597
    Moderator themadlatvian's Avatar
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    Location
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     John
    Turn Table
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     Ittok LVII, Supex
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     MF NuVista3D JSAudio
    Digital Source 2
     SBT+ Synology DS112+
    Integrated Amp
     MF M3 NuVista
    Speakers
     Celestion A3 Santos
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    An old man is taken to the doctor's by his wife.

    "Right, Mr. Smith" says the doctor. "To be safe, we need to take samples of your urine, stools and semen."

    The old man, who is a bit deaf, turns to his wife. "What's he saying?"

    "He just wants to borrow your underpants."
    Current Loudspeaker List now shrinking - Celestion A3, Celestion A1, Celestion Ditton 44, KEF Ref 105.2, KEF Ref 104ab, Yamaha NS1000M, B&W DM7, B&W DM4, B&W DM2a, B&W DM2000, B&W DM14, B&W CM4, Mission 770.

  18. #598
    jus dood itt found a cure's Avatar
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     Oct 2009
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     frank
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
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    A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

    His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

    Oh, no: I never found her head.

  19. #599
    Happy Wammer pgarrish's Avatar
    Join Date
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     black one, Rega Bias
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     Teac T1
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     Teac D1
    Speakers
     Tannoy Cheviots
    Pre Amp
     DIY Passive
    Power Amp
     5-20 Monos/HH S500D
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Quote Originally Posted by found a cure View Post
    A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

    His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

    Oh, no: I never found her head.


  20. #600
    The itch u can't scratch Gforce's Avatar
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     Gordon
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     PC/SB X-Fi Platinum
    Digital Source 2
     Linn Karik II / NAS
    DAC
     in the CDP
    Integrated Amp
     I had one in 1986
    Speakers
     KEF Reference 105.3
    Pre Amp
     Townshend/Kube100
    Power Amp
     Linn LK280
    Headphones
     
    In the Hi-Fi industry?
     No
    Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
    A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
    When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
    So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
    After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the pavement, and so says to him, “Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”





    The blind man replies, “shut the fuck up !! .. If you had put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be on the bus.”

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