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  1. #581
    jus dood itt found a cure's Avatar
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    A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

    Having watched what happened, a passerby said, "Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

    "I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his arse"

  2. #582
    ...
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    Just got this from a mate, by email:

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromangato Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town,west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


    Dear Mum & Dad,

    I am well. Hope youse are too.. Tell me big brothers Dougie and Phil that theArmy is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in quicksmart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuzall ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean yauniform. No horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean -nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hotwater and even a light to see what ya doing!

    At brekky ya get cereal, fruit, bacon and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaksor goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and bythat time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'routemarch' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullockpaddock!!

    This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep gettingmedals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo'sa******e and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons didwhen our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a pieceof cake!! You don't even load your own ammo, they comes in little boxes, and yadon't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truckwhen you reload!

    Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful cozthey break easy - it's not like fighting with Dougie and Phil and Jack andBoori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
    Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best theplatoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and asya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him tillthe other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

    I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before wordgets around how good it is.




















    Your loving daughter,

    Susan

  3. #583
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    He he. The oldies are the best

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

  4. #584
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    sorry folks, first time I've seen it

    I must get out less

  5. #585
    Happy Wammer pgarrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pmac View Post
    sorry folks, first time I've seen it

    I must get out less
    new to me too. Ta.

  6. #586
    Wammer barry2tone's Avatar
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    A Higgs boson walks into a church -

    "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!" shouts the priest.

    "But without me, how can you have mass?" asks the particle.
    cogito, ergo hmm?

  7. #587
    It's all Psych and fuzz MJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by barry2tone View Post
    A Higgs boson walks into a church -

    "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!" shouts the priest.

    "But without me, how can you have mass?" asks the particle.
    Excellent, very topical
    2016 - the year of don't get good at music, you'll die

  8. #588
    Wammer
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    Quote Originally Posted by barry2tone View Post
    A Higgs boson walks into a church -

    "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here!" shouts the priest.

    "But without me, how can you have mass?" asks the particle.
    Yes! Very good.
    Suzy Creamcheese - what's got into ya?

  9. #589
    Panda Jezzer's Avatar
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    First there was Empires run by Emperors..

    Then there was Kingdoms run by Kings...

    Now we have countries....
    Eats, shoots and leaves...

  10. #590
    Wide eyed and legless johnny s's Avatar
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    He said he was a country member, I said that I remembered.

  11. #591
    Happy Wammer pgarrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Cat View Post

    What do you call an indian with pink hair??

    Ghandi floss
    I like that one!

  12. #592
    jus dood itt found a cure's Avatar
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    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  13. #593
    Moderator gjm's Avatar
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    My contribution to topical news jokes:

    A miserable Higgs boson walks into a bar.

    Bartender says, "What's the matter?"

    "Exactly."
    The best hifi show in the UK today - http://www.thehifishow.com/

  14. #594
    Wammer barry2tone's Avatar
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    Rolling news.

    Road tacks introduced for Tour-de-France cyclists
    Last edited by barry2tone; 16-07-2012 at 12:31 AM.
    cogito, ergo hmm?

  15. #595
    Super Wammer Dik Dolan's Avatar
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    One instance where tacks evasion is good.

  16. #596
    The itch u can't scratch Gforce's Avatar
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    A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
    third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
    After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
    situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
    'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
    'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
    more than a day or two..'
    'I agree,' says the Father.. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
    out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
    'Anything, Father.'
    'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
    yours.'
    'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm..'
    The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
    shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
    'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'........she consented and he
    fondled them for several minutes.
    'Father, could I ask something of you?'
    'Yes, Sister?'
    'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
    'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
    'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
    The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
    sporting a huge erection.
    'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
    Give Life.'
    'Is that true Father?'
    'Yes, it is, Sister.'
    'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
    the hell out of here!'

  17. #597
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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    It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey

    But I’ve turned myself around & thats what its all about...
    First pressings son !

  18. #598
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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    I just caught an Alien, masturbating in my freezer…. He looked up at me and said: “I cum in peas”
    First pressings son !

  19. #599
    Wammer mikehit's Avatar
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    Beer contains female hormones.
    Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
    The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

    To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.


    It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional
    6) Couldn't drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally.
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.

    No further testing was considered necessary.

  20. #600
    Brewing Bodhisattva Ozexpat's Avatar
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    I signed up for a very mysterious 'Reverse Origami' Class.

    Can't wait to see how that unfolds...

    There's Howard Hughes in blue suede shoes, smiling at the majorettes smoking Winston cigarettes.

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