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  1. #581
    Ergo Sum Ego Bibiturus Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

    Joe: "Really ?"

    Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her, I never understood the concept of Hell !"
    A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

  2. #582
    Ergo Sum Ego Bibiturus Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Two guys at the pub, ruminating over popular trends of sex, marriage and family values.

    Bill says, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. Did you ?"

    Larry replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name ?"
    A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

  3. #583
    In the trade Wammer BobC's Avatar
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    Five Germans arrive in an Audi Quattro at the Italian border.
    The customs guy stops them telling : "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"
    "Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
    "Quattro means four!" answers the custom agent.
    "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" yells the German driver...
    "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian dude.
    "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
    The German driver gets angry saying: "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
    "Sorry" answers the Italian, "He canta comea. He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."
    ITEMS FOR SALE

  4. #584
    Wamming since Jan '11 Nagraboy (2)'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BobC View Post
    Five Germans arrive in an Audi Quattro at the Italian border.
    The customs guy stops them telling : "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro!"
    "Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
    "Quattro means four!" answers the custom agent.
    "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" yells the German driver...
    "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
    "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian dude.
    "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
    The German driver gets angry saying: "You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
    "Sorry" answers the Italian, "He canta comea. He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."
    What about a Fiat Multipla?

  5. #585
    Moderator gjm's Avatar
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    The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

    First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    "Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels two by two
    Destination - Timbuktu."

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

    The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    "Me and Tim a huntin' went,

    Met three whores in a pop up tent,
    They were three, and we was two
    So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

    The aboriginal won.
    The best hifi show in the UK today - http://www.thehifishow.com/

  6. #586
    Ergo Sum Ego Bibiturus Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gjm View Post
    The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'

    First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

    "Slowly across the desert sand,
    Trekked a lonely caravan
    Men on camels two by two
    Destination - Timbuktu."

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

    The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    "Me and Tim a huntin' went,

    Met three whores in a pop up tent,
    They were three, and we was two
    So I bucked one, and tim buktu."

    The aboriginal won.
    That might be a bit lost on those who don't know how the indigenous Australians accent sounds
    A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

  7. #587
    Deaf Wammer Tel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ozexpat View Post
    That might be a bit lost on those who don't know how the indigenous Australians accent sounds
    As in when Doug was spotted walking down the street with a sheep under each arm?

    He was asked, 'Are you going to shear them?'

    'No mate, I'm going to fuck them both myself'
    "We could have saved the Earth but we were too damned cheap" Kurt Vonnegut

  8. #588
    Ergo Sum Ego Bibiturus Ozexpat's Avatar
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    Yeah, summat like that
    A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

  9. #589
    Moderator gjm's Avatar
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    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the village chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Sarah) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

    I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I couldn't hold on for long at all and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

    She then beat the shit out of me.




    Women have always been hard to figure out.
    The best hifi show in the UK today - http://www.thehifishow.com/

  10. #590
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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    The past, present and future walk into a bar.

    It was tense.
    First pressings son !

  11. #591
    Wammer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duvet View Post
    The past, present and future walk into a bar.

    It was tense.
    Perfect

  12. #592
    Super Wammer jkbmusic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rcook View Post
    Perfect
    It certainly made perfect tense.
    "Music is the only religion that delivers the goods."

  13. #593
    Owner Mr Cat's Avatar
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    Here we are at the 100m Ladies final, and from left to right it's:
    No, No, Yes, Maybe, from Behind, definitely not.
    this sig is intentionally blank...

  14. #594
    Wammer
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    Quote Originally Posted by jkbmusic View Post
    It certainly made perfect tense.
    Jokes tend to lose it somewhat if they are explained.....

    - - - Updated - - -

    A burglar broke into a home and heard a soft voice say: "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was his imagination he continued his search, but again he heard, "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked him if he was the one talking and the parrot said “Yes”. So he asked the parrot his name and the parrot said "Moses". The burglar asked: "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot replied: "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

  15. #595
    Panda Jezzer's Avatar
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    Took the girlfriend to the doctors to sort out her Tourettes. Turns out she doesn’t have it……..I AM a cunt and she does want me to fuck off!
    Eats, shoots and leaves...

  16. #596
    Super Wammer JBCobra's Avatar
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    Repped!

    Quote Originally Posted by gjm View Post
    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the village chemist. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Sarah) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

    I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I couldn't hold on for long at all and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

    She then beat the shit out of me.




    Women have always been hard to figure out.

  17. #597
    Happy Wammer pgarrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Cat View Post
    Here we are at the 100m Ladies final, and from left to right it's:
    No, No, Yes, Maybe, from Behind, definitely not.
    Dunno about anyone else, but I reckon the female contingent of the England Olympic team look pretty good these days...

  18. #598
    Owner Mr Cat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pgarrish View Post
    Dunno about anyone else, but I reckon the female contingent of the England Olympic team look pretty good these days...
    yes, you can defo tell I just copied and pasted that joke...
    this sig is intentionally blank...

  19. #599
    Super Moderator Duvet's Avatar
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    Greece has decided to stop exporting hummus and taramasalata – they never expected a double dip recession
    First pressings son !

  20. #600
    Wammer Stupinder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duvet View Post
    Greece has decided to stop exporting hummus and taramasalata – they never expected a double dip recession
    Hear this a while ago but still made i laaaarf.

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