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Jokes, old or new (again!!!!)

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A burglar broke into a house at night. He was looking for stuff that was both easy to take, and easy to shift on to dodgy people at his local. His torch beamed this way and that, around the room. A voice said "Jesus is watching you". Startled, he tried to locate the source of the voice but couldn't, so he resumed his torchlight sweep of the room. Again, the voice said "Jesus is watching you". This time his torch flashed into a corner and he saw a parrot in a large cage. He approached the cage, and again the parrot said  "Jesus is watching you". The burglar said "And who are you to tell me that Jesus is watching me?". The parrot said "My name is Moses, and I'm warning you that Jesus is watching you". "Moses!!??" spluttered the burglar, "what kind of people would call a parrot Moses?" The parrot replied "The same kind of people that would call a Rottweiler Jesus".

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On 23/09/2020 at 20:41, Colinjg said:

Thought this was brilliant, told it to several people at work, only one person got it.

Then I couldn't stop singing it for two days.

A girl decides to get a Beach Boys tattoo because her boyfriend is a huge fan. So she goes to the tattoo parlor and asks how much will a tattoo of a verse from her boyfriend's favorite song will cost. The tattoo artist tells her a price, which is too much for her. She then asks how much a tattoo with the Beach Boys logo is. The guy tells her a price, and again she responds that she cannot afford it. Disappointed, she is about to leave when the tattoo artist tells her that he can tattoo a 'B' on each cheek that is in her price range. The girl agrees and gets the tattoo.

On their anniversary, the couple goes out to dinner and comes back. The girl tells her boyfriend that she knows how much he likes the Beach Boys and tells him that she got a tattoo for him. She pulls down her pants and bends over. The guy looks at it, and then asks "Who the fuck is Bob?"

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Moderator

Pregnant woman goes to the doctor.

"I've... shouldn't... haven't... it's... can't... wouldn't... won't... shan't..."

"No need to worry, you're just having contractions."

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Super Wammer

I just found out they won't be making 12 inch rulers any longer.

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10 hours ago, Richard A said:

I just found out they won't be making 12 inch rulers any longer.

stealing that

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Super Wammer

Dammit, I knew I’d stoop to Maverick level one day. 

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When do Liverpool kick off?

About every 10 minutes!!

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1 hour ago, Richard A said:

Dammit, I knew I’d stoop to Maverick level one day. 

you have been assimilated

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Super Wammer

Well I’ve just bought a flat cap, a tin of mint and mushy peas, a subscription to whippet racing news, and if I knew what an ecky was I’d thump it.

I’m getting there.

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Moderator
19 minutes ago, Richard A said:

Well I’ve just bought a flat cap, a tin of mint and mushy peas, a subscription to whippet racing news, and if I knew what an ecky was I’d thump it.

I’m getting there.

Any dead moths in your wallet...?:whistle:

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Super Wammer

The last time i opened my wallet David Attenborough made a film about the wildlife that flew out. He filmed several species previously thought extinct.

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Super Wammer

5111A3BB-6CBA-4DF6-84F7-7B6FD86BEFB8.jpeg

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14 hours ago, Richard A said:

Well I’ve just bought a flat cap, a tin of mint and mushy peas, a subscription to whippet racing news, and if I knew what an ecky was I’d thump it.

I’m getting there.

extra mint sauce required and whippets are more North East, never seen  one around here - so get your cultural stereotypes correct please sir! :D  

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