An Audiophile’s Speaker Review Formula


New Wammer
Dec 4, 2013
taken from

i loled :p

An Audiophile’s Speaker Review Formula

Step 1: Some story about equipment you listened to 30 or 40 years ago.

Step 2: Assert your relevance and tell people how you’ve learned so much in that time.

Step 3: Feign surprise about the delivery of this new product you’re testing. Note how expensive it is – to deter others from buying it and posting a review. Complain you don’t get paid enough to actually buy it.

Step 4: Compliment the company that sent you the samples. Pretend to be neutral to the company by eluding to some past product that wasn’t perfect. Name drop the company president.

Step 5: Describe the fit and finish. Acceptable words (pick 3): craftsmanship, beautiful, modern, classical, solid, heft, teutonic, clean, elegant.

Step 6: Use the word “transducer” and if you’ve accidently used the word “speaker”, replace it with “loudspeaker”.

Step 7: Describe how you connect equipment together. Never use the words “wire” or “cords”, use “interconnects” and “mains”.

Step 8: Initial impressions. Always be surprised at how good it sounds. Always.

Step 9: Pretend to hear something problematic.

Step 10: Move your chair and remark how the problem subsided. Blame the room, not the product.

Step 11: Brag about your reference system. Complain that the soundstage isn’t the same. This section should be around 30% of your article.

Step 12: Play in your basement for a bit while you listen to (actual listening optional):

-A female vocal song that has no lasting appeal. Describe the song and how it was engineered but accredit the speakers instead. -A song with saxophone, piano, and brushed snare. Must be slower than an athlete’s resting pulse. (This step is often combined with the above.) -A current pop song to prove you can relate to your grandkids. Awkwardly mention dubstep. -A whole album from a 1970s rock band. Mention how it’s different from DSoM, credit or blame the crossovers.

Step 13: Mention how accurate they are.

Step 14: Say they’re bright but laid-back.

Step 15: Say they don’t need a subwoofer unless you want a subwoofer. Remind all readers that subwoofers are for frequencies below x0htz (change this number from the last set of speakers you tested; use the F3 value you Google in step 21).

Step 16: Describe the midrange by repurposing a metaphor normally used to describe scotch. Bonus points if you fuse a scotch metaphor with argots from oil painters (watercolour if you’re writing a review on Focal). Use the words “form factor”.

Step 17: Say they’re “forward” but “not fatiguing”. Insist they’re “balanced”.

Step 18: Remind people about all the awesome gear you have, while evading critics by mentioning your rare or one-off equipment. This will cover you in case someone has a differing opinion.

Step 19: Agree with the price point and market position. Note a few competitors; choose 1 mainstream brand and say they’re worse, then choose 2 more obscure models and say they’re comparable. Be vague or you won’t score more free swag.

Step 20: Complain that you have to return the samples to the vendor.

Step 21: Google the specs and retype them (metric to imperial, imperial to metric). Optional: Include price only if it’s expensive as all hell.


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Reactions: mikedefacto


Aug 28, 2006
East London

The formula for reviewing solid state kit such as dacs and amps is even easier.

Leave the item in the box (but slit the packing tape....) chuck it into the garage for a few weeks, pepper one of several preset scripts with a few superlatives, phrases like 'the amp had balls' work nicely, or 'sets a new standard for transparency'. Don't send the item back until prompted at least twice.



Jun 22, 2009
HiFi Trade?
  1. No
Lol @ step 10. Not sure about anyone else but my sofas pretty much where it is. Pulling it 4ft out from the back wall isn't really an option.


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